i miss writing
my inspirations gone
thanks for visiting
why is it that loneliness swallows you whole?
like the darkness in the hall when you were a child
the fear of the monster under your bed
happiness is the barely glowing nightlight
sitting there plugged into the corner, flickering
when all you want is the lights to be o n
all
the fucking
time
tick tock
time flies
but also
moves like the snail I saw trying so desperately to cross the lawn this morning
I am sad
like the clown you used to wake up in a hot sweat about
fucking indecision haunts me, making the days feel like weeks & the weeks feel like years
23
Am I old? Am I young?
time moves and moves and the wrinkles begin to show with each day, week, year that passes
I can feel them growing
24 calls to me
like you used to
You’ll tell everyone you’re different, but you’re just a shade of grey that never stuck out to anybody.
talking to myself
It’s been almost four fucking years, wordpress. How the heck are ya?
God. 4 years.
A lot of shit has happened to me these past four years. (I still love repetition)
I’ve been in a relationship for 3 1/2 of em. I still live in the same area, and I never did get into university. Graduated from my CC and have been floating ever since.
I think part of the floating has to do with the fact I stopped posting on here. Stopped writing, creating. Discontinuing creativity is a bad bad thing to do. Don’t ever stop creating.
I really haven’t been writing for the past 4 years. I think I gave it up because I gave myself up. I’m afraid to be vulnerable. I’m still incredibly untrusting of everyone. I mean I double check everyones work & I don’t believe them when they say I love you.
Just kidding about that last one, it just sounded poetic.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m doing in life, who I want to be with, where I want to be. Recently got a promotion, so I changed gears there, hanging around new and different people and rethinking the old ones. I’m at a crossroads, and I’m not sure which path to take.
Change is scary, isn’t it? But it’s also good. And healthy. And needed every once in a blue moon.
I fucking crave adventure. I crave experience. I crave people.
I’m just in a situation where I’m limited and so I’m struggling
STRUGGLING
I also want to reflect on my 19 year old self and remind myself that I AM AMBITIOUS ON MY OWN. My identity is so wrapped up in my relationship, I have trouble differing if I am who I am without him. Constantly questioning. But 19 year old me! Beautiful. Young. A bit naive, but also a dreamer. Dreamer! There it is. I was not nothing before him. I dreamed of a future where I did what I was passionate about & loved life. I was on a path to something greater. I do not have to be an entrepreneur or an internet sensation. As long as I do what I am passionate about, everything will be right in the world.
Now what am I doing? Taking care of him. Watching television. Working 60+ hours a week? What the fuck happened to me? Where did my creativity and sense of self worth go?
At the end of the summer, I’m done. I will independently be me. Refer to my break up post. And this.
Thank god for social media.
I always title my poems fuck when I can’t even do that
I can’t fucking sleep
And I can’t fucking read
I can’t fucking write
And I can’t fucking speak
All I can do is lay in bed
And think
And think
And think and think
dream on
WRITERS BLOCK
I hate you so much
you are the reason I cannot sleep at night
any words I am able to conjure disappear in an instant
or do not make sense
you have haunted me for too long
and it is time for you to go
please
I need some positive inspiration
negative! I have no use for you anymore
please
go
watermelon
the aroma of you
feeds the ego of me
until my head grows
to the size of a watermelon
i may burst
wishes
I wish I could be happy with what I write.
I wish I could have confidence in my words.
I wish I didn’t feel like I need to be anonymous to write something real.
matter of time
It all matters.
Everything you do, everything you say
It all matters.
Don’t ever think it doesn’t.
One move, one little action, could make or break someones day.
So watch what you do
Watch what you say
Because it all matters.
You matter.
